Ok, so this one involves drugs (legal ones) religion, and kind of politics (not really). Everything you don't want to talk about at the dinner table. I'll probably offend someone but don't forget, I love you :) LET LOVE IN
So I alluded to taking some medical marijuana candy and learning some stuff the other day. I figured I should let it all out and you can do with it what you will. Bear with me and I promise next time I am predicting a lot of penis jokes and lots of whining about the Rituxin/Steroid infusion on tues, but who knows? So trying not to sound like a 14 year old who got high for the first time, here is what I learned from the nibble of special caramel.
Everything we do, we do for love. The quest for more money. Trying to wear the coolest clothes. Trying to be seen. Being afraid to be seen. Wanting connection. Drinking alcohol to loosen our search. Taming our more wild urges.....or not. Finding spirituality.
What we don't realize is that the energy of love is what the universe is made of. Literally. I saw it twice. Once, a hand grabbed the corner of reality and peeled it back revealing the underlying grid that is the energy of love that projects the hologram of reality. The grid is what holds up everything. It's neon pink and yellow and the energy is what makes molecules stick together to form objects and makes your lungs move to take in the air. We call it love for lack of a better word but the energy is much bigger than romantic or human love. It's the love of the universe and creation and it makes things alive.
The second time I saw it I ate the medical marijuana candy and lay down to close my eyes. I've been opening myself to prayer and meditation. People keep wanting me to pray to Jesus. I don't care what you call it, I'm not prejudiced and Jesus seems cool, but I'm positive about the grid. So I'd been praying to Jesus a couple times a day. Now I saw outer space and a huge blue and white light. It was sharp and jagged and pulsing and points could reach out and plug into something and make it alive. I guess you would call it G-d. I asked it if this is what they mean by Jesus? It said "Don't call me names"! HAHAHa I almost died laughing It's bigger than a humanized form and bigger than a name and bigger than having an opinion about what we do or don't do. The whole thing was hilarious to me. That giant blue light blob was so impressive and powerful and nameless and just floating in space being pure creative force, it seemed really silly to try to put a face or a name over it.
Then I heard that little voice of judgment and negativity that tries to run the show in my head sometimes and saw it for what it is. It's like a little whiny dude with a small penis who tries to over compensate by being cocky or acting entitled or like a brat. Like Donald Trump. Donald trump is the poor schlep that's inside our heads that bitches so much you can start believing him and forget that everything he says is bullshit and coming from fear, not love. "America needs to embrace the violence" Are you insane! America needs to embrace each other and stop being assholes. America needs to eat some pot candy and remember what love is. America needs to quell the fear and realize that voice holds you back and hides the truth of your own power and beauty of the love grid. Once you realize who is doing the talking in there you can change it. Switch the channel to the idea man! Find the creator. Find Bill Nye or Georgia O'keef or Steve Irwin and let that guy (or gal) run the show for awhile. How do I wake up the inventor? Get the comedian talking? Once I saw the different voices in there and how to change them I painted everything gold. I played with the reality of visualization. I am not a great visualizer. It's hard for me to really see it. I'm more of a words person. So really seeing the gold get painted over the black space blew my mind! I decided to try to feel different emotions in the same way. That's what acting is. Being able to pull those feelings up and pluck them like a guitar or conduct them like an orchestra. It's so intense when you actually do it. Not fake it. But physically pull those strings inside of you and freaking FEEL somethings you didn't a moment before. You are playing yourself like an instrument. Then I realized I've been shut down for a long time. Not allowing myself to reach those true feelings and not seeing them in others. It's like Leonard Cohen says, "the crack in everything is how the light gets in". So let's do like Nick Cave says and "Let Love In".
So that was my weed lesson! hahaha And here is some Nick Cave. I promise I haven't lost my mind.
ps. Bow is still in Georgia at a farm. After my infusion on tues and the recovery I will figure out what is happening with the ride. I can feel most of my body again. It's a little easier to type also. 2 week after the steroids and rituxin and things are settling down in time for the next infusion. My hands are the last thing but they get a tiny bit better every couple days. I can drive now if I wear gloves, so I'm super fashionable! I can also go do stuff in the morning. Which is great. I still get really tired by the afternoon. I also still enjoy only wearing black because I think it's funny to try to be goth since my body feels dead. Goth chemo? hahahaha Why is that funny to me? Tomorrow I might just say f**k it and try to go for a goth jog! hehehe woohoo!